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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Can't wait to go back to Minnesota!!!

I am taking a trip home in June with my two girls. Unfortunately, finances will not allow my husband to take the time off of work this year :(

I am super excited to go back and see my family and friends! But, I am really sad my husband isn't coming with. I am actually afraid that my anxiety is going to cause a lot of issues on this trip...So, I am staying at a familiar hotel, in a familiar area, and hoping that is enough to squash the anxiety...at least to a dull roar.

My girls are doing well...their mommy isn't. I am TRYING. I am giving all I have to my kids...but once again, that isn't saying much. I am pretty lucky that between their friends and their electronics, they really haven't noticed how bad I am doing...

But the bad isn't my mental health right now. I am having gall bladder attacks that just suck! At some point I am going to have to go into a doctor and find out what I can do to make them go away...or get the damn thing out!!! I would never have known it if I hadn't experienced it, but gall bladder attacks are awful! My stomach feels like I am being cut in half! Laying down makes it worse, hunching over makes it worse...the only relief is to get up and walk. As long as I am moving I can tolerate the pain. Sigh...I need to find a doctor that takes my insurance. This doesn't just suck, this could become a medical emergency if I don't take care of it.

Other than the gallbladder attacks, things are going well. My anxiety medication allows me to sit still with out the jitters and my bipolar medication seems to be helping me lift out of the pit of despair I was trapped in for 16 months...I mean I am far from being "okay" but I am better than I was last October.

I guess that is all for now...

Monday, April 6, 2015

Oh child....

     So, my oldest broke her viola that we are renting from the school. She gets told by her teacher to get it fixed. Period.

     She is 12 so obviously they want us to pay for it...but in looking at it, it was PREVIOUSLY BROKEN IN THE SAME SPOT!!! So, it probably wouldn't have broken if it was properly repaired the first time.

     Do you have any idea how far I am going to have to drive this thing to get it to a repair shop? They don't just have viola repair stores around the corner from me.

     Sigh...but, what can I do. As a parent, I have to get it fixed...though I still say she shouldn't be responsible for it in the first place. This is NOT a viola in good shape. It has been repaired multiple times so that means it has been broken multiple times. Sigh...where am I going to find the money for this? It is going to end up coming out of the going home to MN fund but I really really do NOT want to do that! This could mean not going home this year and I really need this trip.

     No, I really need the trip home. My anxiety is so bad right now that I have officially been put on anti-anxiety meds. All I want is to be surrounded by my family for a week (my aunts and cousins and my mom and my dad).

     Anyhow, Ashley has a cold...but with her and her issues it means she is constantly picking her nose and eating her boogers!!! EWWW! She thinks it is funny that we react with horror when we catch her. I am just about at my wits end and I have no idea how to make her stop. But I recently read an article saying that picking your nose and eating it isn't bad for you...(gross, I know).

     My ass was run into the ground today. Just wanted to do a quick update before I lay down for a nap and await my husbands return. This working all the time thing sucks. I miss my husband.

Monday, March 30, 2015

I have a bad online gaming addiction.

     There it is. I admit it. I can't stay away from gaming online. I play these games when I first wake up in the morning, I play them constantly!!!
     I can't figure out how to STOP playing these games. I have deleted them from my phone but the withdrawal just drives me insane!
     HELP!!! Advice here would be greatly appreciated.

     In other news, we picked up a 700+ dollar pool for free! It needs some patching and needed a really really good scrubbing but we are hoping it will work out for at least this summer :) That would be so cool for the girls. Right now it is a whole bunch of work but we are doing out best and so far we have it filled and it is being shocked right now...if I did it right anyhow.

     I am on an interesting cocktail of meds right now. They are for anxiety (thank you SO much to the person who called the police on me...it did wonders for my anxiety), my BPD (bipolar disorder), and my depression. The BPD meds make me anxious, the depression meds make me more anxious, and the anxiety med makes me high!!!!! I avoid it like the plague! Why, oh why, do people enjoy being high? It turns your brain to mush and makes you into an idiot. Blah!!! I have had that particular med for 6 months and have taken it less than 10 times. Yuck...who wants to become a blithering idiot? Not me!!

     But, I think all of these meds are interfering with my ability to write and function a little bit more normally....but then I think back to before the meds and I wasn't functioning very well without them either (or writing). Sigh...where is my happy medium?

     On the home front, my husband is working all of the time and the kids are on spring break. We have just been hanging out at home...well, me and Ashley anyhow...enjoying each others company. Cora has been out and about hanging out with friends. Little by little life is getting figured out...

     I applied for a targeted case manager to see if I can get a solid diagnosis for where Ashley is on the autism spectrum. It's hard for her to have the diagnosis but not know WHERE she is and what the future could hold for her. I am a planner...but how do you plan for the unknown when it comes to your child's future? I just don't know.

     Unfortunately, our wonderful therapist has taken a new job and will only be seeing Ashley through this next month :( Now Ashley will have to get to know a new therapist and she doesn't always do well with change. Heck, we really can't afford a trip back to MN this summer but we are taking one because Ashley is struggling with depression and we think that a trip home may help her. That way she will see that just because we aren't there anymore doesn't mean that we won't ever go home....if that makes any sense.

     Other than all of that, it has just been SSDD.

I encourage anyone who reads this who has questions to contact me. If you read my books, my email address is in the back of every single one. I am a very open person. You could just respond on here too :)

So...any advise out there for how to break a gaming addiction?

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I have decided.

And I don't think I have a reason to close this blog. I mean seriously, I am going to run into idiots online as well as in my everyday life. I have no desire to give them control over what I do or don't do...and I like blogging.

Besides that, I am lonely. I just moved to a new state and I haven't met many new people yet. This is a good way for me to vent and just talk to anyone. Yeah, yeah...I can't talk to the people who read this but what I can do is practice putting myself out there.

Putting myself out there used to be second nature for me. And then a really shitty thing happened to me and it triggered my PTSD. Now I get anxious every time I try to leave my house. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I have to take meds to get myself calm enough to do routine things...like, go to Walmart or the grocery store.

Ever since the trigger, everything that I am is put into my children. I am trying to get beyond that. I am trying to start to write again (hence blogging) and I am trying to get back to being Elly. That is all I want. I want to be a functioning member of society...not a recluse who has a panic attack at the thought of going to Winn Dixie!

Anyhow, enough about me and my mental deficiencies.

This last week has been a long and hard one...I was personally attacked by my online stalkers. They sent the police to my house and DCF...but you know what? Nothing happened because there was NO REASON for the police to be called in the first place!

I don't know about all of you, but it freaks the shit out of me to open my door to the police...on the plus side, I now know that the police in my area are awesome!

This weekend though...So far anyhow...its just all been about my husband. He is working so much that we rarely get to see him so when we do it is kind of like Christmas :)

My girls have had an awesome weekend so far just hanging out with friends and getting a sunburn (Not my fault...well...I guess if I had ESP I would have known to send sunscreen with my daughter). The weather here in Florida has been in the high 80's and sunny. I am so NOT missing MN weather :)

Anyhow, that's all for now. It may be a few days before I blog again. I have a book to get edited and then back to my editor :))

It won't be long and I will be publishing my fourth book! Yay me!

....

Now to get my head on straight and get the sixth book written (#5 is just awaiting approval from a family member and then it will be ready for publishing too)!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Petty Immature people and being a blogger.

     So, being a blogger opens life up to the entire world of people...some of those people are petty, immature, and not worthy of my attention.

     Just an FYI to my online stalker, your ploy didn't work and everyone saw right through you. Period.

     I had a very stressful day today. Besides dealing with the above crap, I had a sick child home from school...Let me just say it sucks to have to be the vomit cleaner 0_o But I made it through the day and just when I thought she was getting better, she popped a fever. Poor baby :( I feel so bad for her!

     However, the life expectancy of my blog may have just been cut short. I am deciding whether or not I want to keep opening myself up to the kind of freak that invaded my life last night.

     Any one of my readers brave enough to post a comment telling me what they think? Should I just close down my blog? Or should I keep it open and just say "fuck off" to the freaks and weirdos that won't leave me alone?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Really? More trolls already?

So, my last blog earned me a threat to report me...for what I am not sure.

Just an FYI for people new to my blog.

I have a 10 year old who is NOT what you call normal. She has a long list of diagnosis's and is in therapy. Her therapist was already informed, has addressed, and taken care of the situation. Yes, my ten year old does things other ten year olds don't...She is somewhere on the spectrum but no one is willing to say where. I think she is high functioning aspergers and the specialtists aren't comfortable saying where she is on the spectrum quite yet.

She does weird things, she doesn't get social norms. Nothing she does anymore is weird to us. We find the humor in it, explain why she can't do some of the things she does, and move on.

And for the love of GOD! If you don't like my blog, don't read it!!! I don't need stalkers, trolls, ect.

People who just want to follow don't bother me at all but seriously...someone said they were reporting me because of my last blog post...who they are reporting me to, I don't know...but oh well.

I have already explained that I am JUST coming out of a bipolar down. Please people, I really don't need any triggers to push me back down. This is tentative enough as is.

From now on if I am going to be trolled it will be by people willing to show their face....The latest troll is gone after I deleted her posts telling me that I taught my kids how to suck cock and have anal sex...then she got mad that I deleted them and said I should be willing to face criticism....um...that wasn't criticism...that was sick and wrong woman!!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

If you can't say something nice...

Well, it was probably someone from my past that did it...though I have no proof...BUT someone came onto my last blog just to say...

"Sounds like suicide is your only way out."

What an asshole! Seriously?

If you can't say something nice, just go to someone elses blog. I am not forcing anyone to read this...am I?

Anyhow, this week has been interesting.

First, I went in for a pedicure and they HURT ME! Both of my big toes are still throbbing more than 35 hours later...never going back there.

My other daughter keeps getting randomly hit on the walkways at her school...but she doesn't know the people doing it! So, how do I get it to stop if she never sees the person who does it? ***Shaking my head in disgust*** Does NO ONE teach their children respect in Florida? This state has tons of disrespectful little brats...and I mean that. I haven't met a kid as respectful as mine yet and I have been here for 11 months.

Other than that I guess things are okay...my super man is working ALL week at both jobs. I am very worried about him.

On the plus side, I made a teeny tiny bit of progress on my next novel :) I am so pleased with myself.

I wish I knew all of the people who followed my blog, if you find me this interesting, why aren't we internet buddies :D J/K...I get it...the draw of following someone elses drama anonymously.

Anyhow, that is all for today. Just wanted to try to keep my promise of blogging more.