Thursday, October 31, 2013

This Bi-Polar Mama

How do you explain it to someone who isn't Bi-Polar? How do you say "Yes, I know you think my house is clean but all I can see is clutter right now." How do you explain why the bare living room looks like it needs to be torn apart and redone? How do you explain that you want to run as far away as you possibly can...maybe, your bedroom?

I don't know. I can't answer that because this Bi-Polar Mama is barely functioning right now.

How barely functioning?
Well, as in...I can't sleep at night, I can't wake up during the day. I can't handle ANY amount of stress and I hate the world...and I just want to cry. I am sad and mad...and I just want to crawl to my bed and forget the world exists.

The house is clean...the laundry has been kept up...but me? Honestly? I washed my hair this week...and I took a shower last that close enough?

Minnesota is a huge part of my problem. Things are getting this bad for my Bi-polar because we have only had a few PARTLY sunny days in the last few weeks. Without the sun I am lost...without the moon I am a human zombie.

I look around at a house most mom's would be proud of and I see only the messy parts. I can't see the clean living room...I see walls that could be washed, and a carpet that could be recleaned, and a couch that could be cleaned.

Right now, I know my perception is skewed...and because of this, I am avoiding writing my YA novel "Betrothed to a Vampire." I just can't see positive, I am so stuck in the negative.

Yeah, yeah...if I know it, why don't I change it? I am trying.

As an unmedicated Bi-polar, that is all I can do. I try. Every day, I roll out of bed and get dressed. I get my kids to school. I do the necessary mommy duties. Night time comes and I want to go to bed...and then my mind starts racing and I can't sleep. So, instead of keeping my husband awake with my tossing and turning, I find something unproductive to do on the internet...Tonight, I am doing laundry and blogging.

I can't tolerate Bi-Polar medications...I tell you this because many people think I should give them another go. Well, I missed a year to a year and a half of my life trying Bi-polar medication...I WON'T do it again! I woke up over FIFTY pounds heavier than I was!!!! And my kids were a year older than I remembered them being. I went to sleep and missed a year of my life. I have spotty memory of that year...and for that time, I was there but I wasn't PRESENT. My mind wasn't functioning...on a level that I can't begin to explain. I do not know how I managed during that year (literally) and I am not willing to go back to that place.

So, where does that leave me?

An unmedicated, Bi-polar mess. I feel hopeless, and depressed, and sad, and I just want to leave...but, I don't have a reason to feel this way!!! I love my life, I love my family!

This is the point, where many people who are Bi-Polar, check themselves into a psych ward for suicidal thoughts. Fortunately for me, suicide isn't my thing....Unfortunately for me, that leaves me on my own, grappling with the effects of a massive (environmentally caused...aka, no sunlight) Bi-Polar down swing.

I have these thoughts like, "I should just leave. I hate my life, I hate everything...why am I here?!?!" And thank God I have common sense because that kicks in and reminds me that not a word of that is true! I love my life, I love my family...

To make matters worse, I am on the, I am trying to quit smoking...and then, the sun went out in Minnesota. I finally broke down and bought a pack today...and it didn't help at all. So, the pack is sitting (barely touched) on my counter...

The ten day forecast isn't giving me much hope...with only ONE full day of sun forecasted for next week on Thursday :( So, I guess I just keep plugging ahead and hoping that my common sense is enough to get me through...and that my husbands patience will continue to see me though this.

Man...this last year has been a tough one! Almost a year of being in a Bi-Polar down...Most of the year was spent so far down that I don't know how I managed to accomplish ANYTHING!!!

I just hope the sun comes out soon...

Sunday, October 27, 2013


My editor has my memoir and my beta reader has the final book in my series. Right now, all I am doing is waiting for one of them to get me something I can work on!!!

I could be working on book three...that I think is only going to end up being a novella....

BUT, how do I work on my WIP when I am so anxiously awaiting either of my other two books! I am too excited to write!

As soon as my memoir is done, I plan on putting up the Intro and a few of the poems on this site (it isn't long enough to do much more than that). When Aria's Redemption is done, I plan on putting up the prologue and the first two chapters!

I am too excited to write (what I consider to be a boring YA book without any FUN parts! I like writing dark novels) a YA novel! Maybe I should start a short dark erotica to fill the time...hum...

Friday, October 25, 2013

Why does money have to be the thing to hold me back???

As an SPA, I am incredibly lucky to have a very supportive spouse. However, it is really expensive to publish a book!!!

Cover artist - $50-100
Editor $250 per book regardless of length
Formatter - $50 per book
Proof Copies - $20 per book

This means that every book costs me around $320-$420 to publish!!!

Unfortunately, this means that I have to do it as I can afford it. Very shortly, I am going to have a $500 dollar bill from my editor (for two books). Thankfully, I have already paid for all of the covers. BUT, I am also looking at another $200 dollars to get my books formatted!'s just a LOT of money.

The problem? I am not making any money off of my books yet. I get small royalty payments here and there but the amounts are piddly compared to the amounts I have spent.

On the plus side, my husband is willing to pay for this and he supports my writing. I just hope someday my writing returns the favor and starts to pay us back.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

BBA group Versus STGRB

In July of 2012, I chose to go onto Amazon Forums and start to promote my books. I was GREEN! To find the forums, I literally had to google Amazon Forums....Embarrassing, right?

Finally finding my way there, I started to try to self promote. I posted a few comments, promoted my book, and forgot about it for about a month.

Then, I tried again. And the first thing I did was run into M.T. Dismuke. He had written a thread basically accusing readers of being book hoarders and was saying that if you get a free book you OWE the author a review. I disagreed with him and tried to make him understand that the readers are the customers...they are always right. Besides that, when you give out a product for FREE, you can't expect anything in return. I immediately attracted the attention of members of the BBA group AND STGRB.

Now, I have been a member of the BBA group for over a year, and I have been attacked multiple times by STGRB.

As a quick side note, I have to say this... I have this belief that just because I am online, doesn't mean I should allow myself to behave in a manner that I wouldn't behave if I were face to face with these people. So, for my new years resolution, I swore to ignore STGRB...

AND THEN, a not so helpful person decided to try to help me out with STGRB...and I got mud slung in my face for it. If I had actually done what they believe I did...I would have deserved it...however, I didn't do it...but it took me months to get over being embarrassed that anyone thought I would be that stupid.

I managed to drop off of their (STGRB's) radar...and I am hoping to stay there....But, I have advice for the new authors out there.

1. Stay away from both groups.

The BBA group is full of spiteful, condescending reviewers who believe they are God of Amazon and Goodreads. Not everyone is like that in this group...I like MANY of the people there. But, you know what they say about one bad apple. There should never be a group dedicated to nothing more than bashing people. They DO have threads for acknowledging well behaving authors...but those threads feel like they sit idle compared to the bashing that goes on there.

The STGRB staff (or whatever they want to be called) are full of ignorant little twits who like to believe every lie they are told. The amount of shaming and 'outing' of innocent people is just wrong. I actually think they believe they are doing the right thing. I think they MEAN to be doing the right thing...but when an author comes to you crying bully AFTER they edit all of their comments, that should be a red flag. Not for these people...they are as bad as the editors of the Enquirer. ELVIS'S ALIEN BABY WAS SPOTTED??? FRONT PAGE NEWS!!! RUN WITH IT!!!

2. Never respond to a reviewer...even if they invite it. Not everyone will okay with it, and if the wrong person see's it...well, let's just say it isn't pretty...

3. Find groups that want to build you up...not tear you down.

4. Ignore the drama, and stay away from it.

I know, I's so tempting to add your two cents. But trust me...the thirteen months of being attacked and followed by STGRB (so far) isn't worth it. The attacks by STGRB followers, the threats, ect... It just isn't worth it. Stay away from it.

5. If you are attacked by STGRB, the BBA group is your only hope. If you are attacked by the BBA group, STGRB is your only hope....

Unless you are really smart and you just STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD and do nothing more to incite either group.

Other than that, all I can say is good luck. If you can avoid these TWO groups, do so. They will become the bane of your existence if you let yourself get caught up in either one of them.

I, for one, have decided to do my best to cut my ties to both groups. I will not apologize to either group...But, if any of them read this I do have a message for them.

     Not every story is as cut and dry as you would like to believe it is. M.T. Dismuke is a great example of this. He really did do everything that the BBA group claimed he had done and his book really does suck. I tried to read needs serious help. M.T. lied about how things actually went down, and I have a feeling this has happened more than once to you...screen caps really are a lovely thing...and M.T. isn't the bullied victim he would have you believe he is. I was put on your list because of M.T., and then M.T. spent the next few months singling me out and attacking me for some reason.
     I have spent part of the last year being angry at the people who run your site. I'm not dealing with the drama anymore. I never did anything to deserve your ire and I hope in the future you will see that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

BBA Goodreads Group
   Thank you for guiding me this last year. You taught me the do's and don'ts for new authors on the internet. Unfortunately, I learned most of the don'ts by reading about an author who had been singled out by members of your group. That much negativity in one place breeds more and more negativity. I can't see belonging to a group that was created solely for the purpose of bashing people...even those who deserved it.
   I readily admit to joining in on the bashing for a time, and allowing myself to be drawn into the negativity. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. It isn't worth it. I would rather spend my time writing and talking to people who actually care about my writing and my future as a writer.

I hope from this day forward that I won't have a reason to ever blog about either of these groups again. I hope that these groups take my farewell and understand that I am tired of the negativity that both of these groups spew.

Goodbye STGRB, Goodbye BBA group. I hope that any new author that runs across my blog sees this and learns their lesson before it is too late. Both of you already have too many members. The only way this negativity is going to end is if you two (bickering children) virtually shake each other's hands and give it up. I don't see that happening, but it would be nice...