Thursday, October 31, 2013

This Bi-Polar Mama

How do you explain it to someone who isn't Bi-Polar? How do you say "Yes, I know you think my house is clean but all I can see is clutter right now." How do you explain why the bare living room looks like it needs to be torn apart and redone? How do you explain that you want to run as far away as you possibly can...maybe, your bedroom?

I don't know. I can't answer that because this Bi-Polar Mama is barely functioning right now.

How barely functioning?
Well, as in...I can't sleep at night, I can't wake up during the day. I can't handle ANY amount of stress and I hate the world...and I just want to cry. I am sad and mad...and I just want to crawl to my bed and forget the world exists.

The house is clean...the laundry has been kept up...but me? Honestly? I washed my hair this week...and I took a shower last that close enough?

Minnesota is a huge part of my problem. Things are getting this bad for my Bi-polar because we have only had a few PARTLY sunny days in the last few weeks. Without the sun I am lost...without the moon I am a human zombie.

I look around at a house most mom's would be proud of and I see only the messy parts. I can't see the clean living room...I see walls that could be washed, and a carpet that could be recleaned, and a couch that could be cleaned.

Right now, I know my perception is skewed...and because of this, I am avoiding writing my YA novel "Betrothed to a Vampire." I just can't see positive, I am so stuck in the negative.

Yeah, yeah...if I know it, why don't I change it? I am trying.

As an unmedicated Bi-polar, that is all I can do. I try. Every day, I roll out of bed and get dressed. I get my kids to school. I do the necessary mommy duties. Night time comes and I want to go to bed...and then my mind starts racing and I can't sleep. So, instead of keeping my husband awake with my tossing and turning, I find something unproductive to do on the internet...Tonight, I am doing laundry and blogging.

I can't tolerate Bi-Polar medications...I tell you this because many people think I should give them another go. Well, I missed a year to a year and a half of my life trying Bi-polar medication...I WON'T do it again! I woke up over FIFTY pounds heavier than I was!!!! And my kids were a year older than I remembered them being. I went to sleep and missed a year of my life. I have spotty memory of that year...and for that time, I was there but I wasn't PRESENT. My mind wasn't functioning...on a level that I can't begin to explain. I do not know how I managed during that year (literally) and I am not willing to go back to that place.

So, where does that leave me?

An unmedicated, Bi-polar mess. I feel hopeless, and depressed, and sad, and I just want to leave...but, I don't have a reason to feel this way!!! I love my life, I love my family!

This is the point, where many people who are Bi-Polar, check themselves into a psych ward for suicidal thoughts. Fortunately for me, suicide isn't my thing....Unfortunately for me, that leaves me on my own, grappling with the effects of a massive (environmentally caused...aka, no sunlight) Bi-Polar down swing.

I have these thoughts like, "I should just leave. I hate my life, I hate everything...why am I here?!?!" And thank God I have common sense because that kicks in and reminds me that not a word of that is true! I love my life, I love my family...

To make matters worse, I am on the, I am trying to quit smoking...and then, the sun went out in Minnesota. I finally broke down and bought a pack today...and it didn't help at all. So, the pack is sitting (barely touched) on my counter...

The ten day forecast isn't giving me much hope...with only ONE full day of sun forecasted for next week on Thursday :( So, I guess I just keep plugging ahead and hoping that my common sense is enough to get me through...and that my husbands patience will continue to see me though this.

Man...this last year has been a tough one! Almost a year of being in a Bi-Polar down...Most of the year was spent so far down that I don't know how I managed to accomplish ANYTHING!!!

I just hope the sun comes out soon...

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