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Saturday, November 16, 2013

Unstable as a Bi-polar Wife

I am NOT doing well this week...I got into it with my husband this morning about waking me up MULTIPLE times this morning. The kids spent the night at my mom's so I thought I was going to get to sleep in...wrong...

First, he gets out of bed...takes a shower (our bedroom and bathroom are connected), comes back into the bedroom and kicks the bed, gets dressed, kicks the bed again, and FINALLY leaves the room.

I think SCORE, I can go back to sleep...I wasn't even annoyed by any of the above. That is incidental and happens when you share a room with someone.

Then, he makes coffee...fine...he was noisy about it (woke up me when I am a deep sleeper), but hey, I know there will be coffee when I decide to crawl out of bed. I'm down for that...But to be honest, I was getting a little irritated by how much I was being woken up by this point.

Ignore the heavy footsteps...he walks like an elephant around our house...this is normal...

Sigh deeply over the fact that I didn't get much sleep during the night either because he kept kicking me, pulling the covers off of me, and snoring (he has a head cold)...sigh again.

I finally fall back to sleep and a few minutes later, he decides it is time to fill the (NOT empty and could have waited) cat dishes...They are right outside our bedroom door along with the kitty litter boxes...that he decides to clean right then (one is automated).

Feeling more than just a little pissy I get out of bed and resign myself to the fact that this was another night that I wouldn't get much sleep.

Come into the kitchen to see that he "made" the coffee but didn't start it...

I swear to God...my eye started twitching.

I inform him that the litter boxes and the kitty food could have waited until I got out of bed...

And things got ugly. We crossed words...to put it nicely...and I have remained on the edge of screaming all day. Even as I remember this morning, my lips purse, and I want to walk over and smack the shit out of him!

Am I going to? Of course not!

But, I am so not stable and what he pulled this morning has me teetering on the edge. I have considered leaving for the night...but I don't know where to go. I have considered just driving around but he would whine about it being a waste of gas.

I am so unbelievably mad...

Being Bi-Polar, and being in a bad down, and having someone DELIBERATELY baiting me? Let's just say I don't recommend he talk to me again for about three days...

I feel so volatile, and unstable...like I am about to snap and who cares about the consequences.

I don't want anyone to touch me, look at me, call me, nothing. I am irritated by the sound of the everything. I am unable to come down from this morning's fight and I have remained pissed all day...

Do people who aren't Bi-Polar experience this? I don't know...but I have been angry all day...ALL DAY!!!

I was hoping that this would help...this purging of the soul...but instead, it just makes me want to start throwing things and cussing out the dork I am married to.

Sigh...I hope this goes away overnight...if I wake up still pissed off tomorrow, it is going to be a long, long week. I can't stay angry...it doesn't work in parenting.

I will force myself to make it through to bedtime, and then I will go to bed...I just hope things are better tomorrow.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I am doing my best

This last week has been tough...no, like really tough. I never know where I am going to be from second to second! One second I feel fine, the next second I want to sob uncontrollably for no reason, a few seconds later and I am pissed off at the world.

But, I made it through the weekend...and managed to offend my mom, my sister, and only God knows who else (pretty sure my dad too).

I tried to stay away from everyone and everything. So, this weekend, I painted Doug's (my husband for those of you who don't know) van. You would be amazed at what you can do with 40-50 cans of the appropriate spray paint :)

Now, I can barely use my hands. When I type, it hurts all the way up to my elbows. Lets forget the feet...I can barely use my freaking hands! Opening anything was nearly impossible and I was barely able to finish the vehicle!

For better or worse, it is done though (his work required it but we don't have the 1100 for a shop to do it). Tomorrow, I will know whether or not it passed inspection by a little man at my husbands work who tends to display little dick syndrome (the incessant need to prove that your dick is bigger than everyone else's). God I hate that man! He is so annoying! And I think that when I am NOT in a bi-polar down too!

I'm not sure what to do tomorrow though. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until this passes, but I worry that any little slip up is going to put me down.

Definition of down for this Bi-Polar mama.

The inability to function. Barely able to get out of bed, barely able to dress myself. Quick to anger and tears. Feeling hopeless, helpless, and worthless. Constantly fighting just to maintain appearances for my kids. Barely able to do so. The worst part though? Being in a situation where NO ONE understands it.

Yep, I have my therapist ONE hour a week. The rest of the time I am surrounded by people who just don't understand that I have a mental illness. Yes, that sucks to have to write...but that is the truth. I am Bi-Polar and right now, I am hanging on by an unraveling thread. I am terrified that I am about to slip into a very very bad down. To be honest...I am over half way there.

My hands hurt like hell, my feet are throbbing, and I don't think my hands can take more typing tonight. So, I am signing off...I just hope to God that things start looking up...if they don't I don't know what I am going to do...