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Sunday, November 3, 2013

I am doing my best

This last week has been tough...no, like really tough. I never know where I am going to be from second to second! One second I feel fine, the next second I want to sob uncontrollably for no reason, a few seconds later and I am pissed off at the world.

But, I made it through the weekend...and managed to offend my mom, my sister, and only God knows who else (pretty sure my dad too).

I tried to stay away from everyone and everything. So, this weekend, I painted Doug's (my husband for those of you who don't know) van. You would be amazed at what you can do with 40-50 cans of the appropriate spray paint :)

Now, I can barely use my hands. When I type, it hurts all the way up to my elbows. Lets forget the feet...I can barely use my freaking hands! Opening anything was nearly impossible and I was barely able to finish the vehicle!

For better or worse, it is done though (his work required it but we don't have the 1100 for a shop to do it). Tomorrow, I will know whether or not it passed inspection by a little man at my husbands work who tends to display little dick syndrome (the incessant need to prove that your dick is bigger than everyone else's). God I hate that man! He is so annoying! And I think that when I am NOT in a bi-polar down too!

I'm not sure what to do tomorrow though. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until this passes, but I worry that any little slip up is going to put me down.

Definition of down for this Bi-Polar mama.

The inability to function. Barely able to get out of bed, barely able to dress myself. Quick to anger and tears. Feeling hopeless, helpless, and worthless. Constantly fighting just to maintain appearances for my kids. Barely able to do so. The worst part though? Being in a situation where NO ONE understands it.

Yep, I have my therapist ONE hour a week. The rest of the time I am surrounded by people who just don't understand that I have a mental illness. Yes, that sucks to have to write...but that is the truth. I am Bi-Polar and right now, I am hanging on by an unraveling thread. I am terrified that I am about to slip into a very very bad down. To be honest...I am over half way there.

My hands hurt like hell, my feet are throbbing, and I don't think my hands can take more typing tonight. So, I am signing off...I just hope to God that things start looking up...if they don't I don't know what I am going to do...

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